The eight installment of our weekly series Randy Writes Letters. The series is a collection of correspondence to influential individuals and organizations, they run the gambit from the hilariously absurd to the serious issue of our time.
Dear Alyssa Milano,
I asked my girlfriend what we can do for the children and she told me to “suck it” and I thought to myself, “What a brilliant idea.” We can suck it for the children. Don’t be mistaken, I’m not saying to “suck it for the children” as in suck the children’s, well, you know. No! That’s dirty to even think that, Mellisa Allano. The shame of you! I am saying as consensual adults, you and I, well, maybe not you and I because I have a girlfriend and you are married (as I just learned from some website), but metaphorically speaking, we, you and I, can “suck it.” Then again, I suppose that depends on what “it” is and whether or not you enjoy sucking “it.” Some “it”s I don’t enjoy sucking on and some “it”s I do. You may say that this thinking is dirty also, but it’s not dirty at all. I really only enjoy sucking on “it” when “it” is clean. Any which way, if you enjoy sucking “it” (whatever “it” may be), you can totally suck it for the children. Now, you may be wondering how sucking it can help the children? And to that I respond, what does walking have to do with breast cancer? What does dancing have to do with Darfur, and why on Earth would anyone march for dimes? The way I see it is that sucking it is an activity that many responsible adults engage in and, as responsible adults, if we are going to be sucking it any which way, we may as well get sponsored to do it for the children. It can operate the same way that most fundraisers traditionally operate. A concerned individual would go out and pick up or download a sponsorship form. They would then stand out in front of the supermarket and get people carrying arms full of groceries to stop, be inconvenienced and then pledge a set amount of money for each time they managed to “suck it” over the course of a given day. I think we could raise a lot of money this way. In fact, I think it would work quite well if we got all of our friends and neighbors together and pledged to “suck it” for each other. I think the amount of capital that can be raised by such a fundraiser would be staggering. What I’m saying is that if people were given that extra motivation of knowing that their most basic actions were benefitting the lives of children all over the world, they wouldn’t just “suck it,” but they would suck it good and plenty. It is my strong conviction that if done for the children, people would be willing to spare an afternoon to suck it many, many times. And it can be both a community or private activity. A person could suck it alone or, if it is their preference, with a whole group of people. In fact, people could “suck it for the children” in a whole stadium full of people. And they can charge spectators a hefty admissions fee. Although, in the end, it really doesn’t matter what you suck or where you decide to suck it, as long as you suck it for the children. Because really, what kind of role models would we be if we kept such a proactive opportunity for making a difference from coming to pass?