Randy Writes Letters: Islamic Republic of Iran
I’ve been seeing much of you lately on television in regards to nuclear arms proliferation. That’s really none of my business I suppose. All this talk of you, however, has got me quite curious about your unique identity as a nation. What’s it like to live there? Who lives there? Do they eat marshmallows? Are there marshmallows in Iran? Do you even know what marshmallows are? This question has been haunting me for quite some time. It has actually been weighing on my shoulders for three and a half days to be exact, but who’s counting. Maybe I shouldn’t bother you with what’s weighing on my shoulders since you must have a lot on your plate yourself. I mean with everyone giving you a hard time about this whole nuclear nonsense and all. I think all this needless conflict between you and the west is simply a result of a simple misunderstanding. We may have more in common than we think. We’re both living on the same planet, breathe the same air and we both want to annihilate each other based fundamentally on our different belief systems. You see, we do have far more in common than we think. I think since we have a common interest in annihilating all those that are different than us, we should be friends. We should take these similarities that we share and learn to work together and love each other like brothers. Yes, we can love each other just like Cain loved Able. We can love each other like my own brother loves marshmallows. I think we can take our fundamental misunderstanding of our current misunderstanding of each other and funnel it into a proactive understanding of our misunderstanding. And maybe then and only then can we achieve a true understanding of where we’re standing. Let’s talk metaphorically for a minute. If the Earth was a graham cracker… oh wait… are there graham crackers in Iran? They’re kind of like a cinnamon and sugar wafer. You should really try them. They’re quite good. So, anyway. if the Earth was a graham cracker and we were marshmallows… yes, we will be the marshmallows since there’s definitely marshmallows here and I’m still not sure there are marshmallows in Iran. Anyway, you are the chocolate, since there is chocolate just about everywhere. Speaking of which, how is the chocolate in Iran? Anyway, so we both live on this graham cracker planet. You, the chocolate, and I the marshmallow… you see, right now we are both standing by ourselves off on our own corners of the graham cracker crust. That doesn’t do us much good if we want to make s’mores and all. You know what a s’more is, right? If you don’t, don’t worry, they’re quite good. The point is that in order to make a s’more, the chocolate and the marshmallow have to be melted together in the womb of this graham cracker planet. They have to learn to work harmoniously together. You may say to yourself that this is ludicrous. “Clearly marshmallow and chocolate are at odds, they can’t ever work together in the way in which, you, the letter writer, claim!” This is where you’re wrong. True they may never meld together as a homogenous whole, they may never become a metaphorical South America, so to speak, but they do learn to work together and join in a gooey union. They come together in togetherness and what not, while at the same time maintaining their chocolate and marshmallow national identity in this graham cracker womb of a world. Yes! They learn to understand each other’s differences and celebrate this diversity while at the same time being an integral unified part of the whole eating experience, that is, if eating were a metaphor for life. Yes! They reach a fundamental understanding with sweet and peaceful results for the betterment of all of humanity. Yes! Everyone is the better off on account of a union between chocolate and marshmallow. Well everyone but the diabetics. However, who cares about them? In the grand scheme of things, their voice is marginal. You can’t please everyone, but I suppose you can please most everyone and any which way, most everyone should learn to be more accepting of most everyone else and vica versa and what not and therefore and so forth. Thank you for your time.